Each week we will be sharing a tip from our school psychologist, Mrs. Rollins.

This week we are talking about – How to help kids that don’t want to talk

What do you do when you know there is a problem, but your kid won’t talk about it? I’ve definitely been there where a student needs to talk about something, but they refuse. Sometimes we need to accept that it is ok for a child to not talk through a problem because they maybe processing it in a different way that doesn’t involve a conversation.

In this case, a child’s play may reveal how they are working through emotions. If we observe their play and make comments or ask questions about what is happening during play then we can get a clue about thoughts. For older kids this can be revealed through art they create, comments about characters in media like books and shows, or video gameplay choices. See my psych tip on play therapy for more information.

There are times, especially when safety of the child or others is at stake, when our children need to talk. Here are some helpful tools that me and other psychologists use and agree can help:

1. Set Limits- if a child knows about how long they will have to endure conversing about awkward or uncomfortable topics, it can help a child to agree to talking to you at all. Set a timer or have a way to visually lay out the conversation works. See ideas below.
2. Phrasing Questions- keep your questions short and simple. Try non-confrontational phrasing by putting “I wonder” in front of your question. So instead of “What did he do to make you mad?” try “I wonder what he did to make you mad?”
3. Less eye contact – staring contests with a child don’t usually help them reveal their deep inner feelings. Giving them something like building toys, moon sand, fidget toys, or drawing while talking can take the pressure off.
4. Use Visuals – have steps or a structure with pictures to help a kid know that when we work through this or fill out this chart, then we’re done. An ABC (Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence) chart, Thought chart, 5 steps to problem-solving, a feelings thermometer, or even just hand signals, props, or drawings to explain a situation can help a child engage.
5. Communication Game – when it feels like a game, then you can get more info from kids. I will assign certain information to UNO card colors or colored Jenga pieces and we play through the conversation. I also draw random scenarios or problems and then get students to comment on it as though it happened to them or a friend.
6. Don’t Try to Solve it – telling kids what to do results in shutting down conversations. It’s better to validate emotions they are feeling and ask them what they think they should/will do. This empowers them to regulate on their own. If kids ask for options or aren’t sure what to do, then we can give different choices with their likely consequences. But always encourage them to decide for themselves what to do.

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