Each week we will be sharing a tip from our school psychologist, Mrs. Rollins. This week we are talking about – Both/And thinking I mentioned this in my previous psych tip about DBT in the dialectic of two things can be true. This can also be called as both/and thinking and can really help reduce anxiety and build relationships. A central tenet of this concept is that multiple things can be true because everyone has a right to their experience regardless of what someone else experiences. When you hear examples of this type of thinking, you can more easily relate to this concept. Examples could be: -I can feel excited for a birthday party, but also anxious about how it will go. -I can feel proud about a new job, but also overwhelmed by the responsibilities of that job. -When something changes like a death or break-up in your life, you can feel sad and relieved. -I can love my child deeply, but also worry and feel resentment because children are difficult. This type of thinking makes room to let go of comparisons. Often when we feel pain or struggle, we feel it is not valid because there are always people who “have it worst”. But in reality, your pain does not negate someone else’s pain. It also doesn’t mean you have to ignore your pain in favor of someone else’s pain. There is no rule that you only have to feel one thing at a time. Thinking this way seems like the opposite of gratitude because contrasting your position to others can cause feelings of gratitude. But holding two things to be true also causes gratitude. When I have talked with students about actions of others towards them in the context of this thinking, it increases their empathy, understanding of the situation and gratitude which then reduces their anger, resentment or shame. Unraveling the dissonance we feel in a linear way of thinking takes practice. We have to decide to ask ourselves if both things can be true or if both feelings can exist side by side? When we model this for our children, they learn to do it for themselves. Often when we let ourselves think this way, the next feeling is relief.

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