Each week we will be sharing a tip from our school psychologist, Mrs. Rollins.

This week we are talking about – Dealing with Chronic Lying

What do we do for a child who seems to lie all the time? The general ideas I gave for lying still apply, but we should dig a little deeper to find out why the child is lying. If we understand that, then we can target our approach. There are 3 main reasons why children lie: fantasy, bragging, and avoiding responsibility.

If your child lies because they are creative and making up a fantasy world, it is important that they learn to distinguish between fantasy and reality. As long as everyone participating is aware of what is real and not real, then fantasy is ok to encourage. Teach your child to make sure they tell others when they are pretending.

If your child lies by bragging, they may do it because they feel bad about things in their life or they might be trying to get attention. You can help them reframe their thinking or literally change something in your control to improve their mood. If they need attention, find a way to reward them with it that doesn’t involve them lying to get it.

If your child lies to avoid responsibility, always double-check facts. For example, if they try to get permission by lying about what the other parent said, your answer should always be no until you check with the other parent. They may also lie about going to the bathroom and not come back to do a chore or say they didn’t remember you asking them to do it. Make sure their lie does not get them what they want.

Children with ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) may be more prone to lying. For instance, a child with ADHD can be impulsive, forgetful, or disorganized which could lead to lying because they actually forgot or because they don’t want to get in trouble for things they feel are out of their control. With ASD, the child may lie to soothe or avoid intense anxiety.

In these cases, the child should not get a “free pass” because of their diagnosis. Instead, they should get a compassionate, but responsible response like, “I see that your ADHD is a big reason you aren’t getting assignments done, but instead of lying to me, let’s work together to fix it. Some of the time you usually spend playing video games will be used to make sure your assignments are done. I’ll help you.”

When you discuss lying with your child, always emphasize that while you do not like the behavior, you do love and care for them. You set boundaries and teach them because you want them to be happy. You can also address lying in the moment by stopping them, letting them know the facts you know, and then giving them a “do-over”. We want to teach children to know they can try again to be honest.

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